Happy Birthday

A Magic Button.

 

Two years ago today, I prayed for one of these.

 

Begged.

 

Please, Please, Please.

 

I would have done anything.

 

As I laid on the operating table, staring up at the ceiling

I thought to myself.

'You can do this, you can do this.'

'You are strong enough.'

'Breathe.'

'You have to be there for them.'

'They are counting on you.'

'You are all they have.'

 

The seconds took hours.

I tried to focus on little things.

The words the doctors were saying.

The nurse anesthetist behind me, trying to keep me calm.

The buzzing noises the sixteen other people in the room made.

Michael going in and out of the room.

And in and out.

And in and out.

 

I remember how HOT it was in the room.

HOT.

 

Then I heard:

"Are you ready?"

I shook my head yes.

I couldn't muster actual words.

 

And then....

The smallest human beings I have ever seen

were delivered to me.

These precious tiny human beings.

 

2 lbs 12 oz

1 lb 3 oz

 

And I lost it.

 

I remember the nurse anesthetist holding a washcloth to the sides

of my eyes catching the unstoppable flood of tears.

I remember her being so kind and comforting.

 

And I remember thinking..

'I would give anything for a magic button.'

'I just want to fast forward two years.'

'This is too hard. I don't think I can walk this journey.'

 

And now here we are...

Two years later.

 

Now I would use the magic button to go back to that day.

Just to be able to say

'They're going to be OK.

Hold on, it's going to be a bumpy ride, but they're going to be OK.'

 

We've reached the magic button day.

 

Happy Birthday Maggie and Audrey.